11. Cancer Diaries - Change Curve

When I do conference talks I will mostly present on the subject of project delivery and often I will mention about the Change Curve and how this affects people when they are going through a project that will deliver some form of change. 

Let's start this blog with some science. It was Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 who came up with the Change Curve, a graphic showing the 5 stages of the grieving cycle for terminally ill patients. It was later picked up and realised that people in work situations also go through the same grief cycle when they are subject to change in their working environment. For delivery practitioners, by understanding the emotional change that people go through can help pull people through the business change in a smoother way.

The 5 stages of the Change Curve are:

1. Shock and Denial - When the individual doesn't want to believe what is happening.

2. Anger - When reality of the situation starts to kick in and anger rises up in the individual.

3. Bargaining - When the individual tries to negotiate with the situation and try to find the path of possible least resistance.

4. Depression - When the individual loses all hope and there is sadness, regret and depression over the situation.

5. Acceptance - When the individual accepts the change and looks for favourable opportunities from it.

I decided I would take the change curve back to its medical roots and try to map my own emotional curve from my cancer experience. What I found from doing this exercise that my journey isn't just one curve but a series of them - call it a change rollercoaster if you will.

Before all this began I would consider myself to be a person who's glass was happily half full, and constantly being topped up so I decided to give my chart a Y axis of +5 to -5 rating. The +5 status was me as my usual self, while a 0 score was a neutral feeling and -5 a bit doom and gloom. 

Working with change as part of my day to day I am aware that I need to get myself out of negative thinking so I can keep pushing on with whatever challenge I have before me so that I can reach the goal. I applied the same for this whole cancer experience, which is why I have the rollercoaster chart. 

When I was facing each stage, such as the discovery, investigation, diagnosis, more tests and chemo treatments, etc, I knew it was super important for me to drag my mental state back into a better positive score. Half the battle of cancer is killing the damn thing off with the long treatment programme, the other half, is having the mental fortitude to cope with it all. Actually correction, I think it is more 70% of a mental battle. 

Here's the key to the main points:

1. My starting place as a usual happy me.

2. Discovery of the lump.

3. Calling the Doctor and him confirming I need to go to the breast clinic.

4. Attending the breast clinic and getting the initial diagnosis of breast cancer.

5. Attending the formal diagnosis appointment.

6. Going to France to get away from it all for the weekend.

7. Meeting my surgeon for the first time and learning more about my fate.

8. Going away to Wales for a long weekend.

9. Doing further tests to ascertain the extent of my cancer.

10. Meeting my Oncologist for the first time and facing my nemesis of chemotherapy.

11. Starting my chemotherapy, session number 1.

12. The next chemotherapy session, number 2.

13. Going to the Cotswolds for a break.

14. My hair falling out in one very large chunk. 

15. Chemo number 3.

16. London's Calling, World Tour Week, Dad's Birthday, Piers' Birthday - important life stuff.

17. Chemo number 4.

18. Results from the MRI to say the tumour had been killed off. Woot!

19. Weekly chemo sessions kick in, number 5.

20. Chemo number 6.

21. Chemo number 7.

You'll notice that most of the points listed track against a downwards score. These show you the reason for the sudden drop in my happy emotion score. These were to do with the next medical piece of information for me to digest or tests or treatment. You'll notice that once I started chemo I didn't drop as low as initially. This is mainly to do with getting used to the process, having a great chemo team to look after me, knowing that I could cope with the side effects and that I have been relatively lucky with having only 'mild' effects in the big scheme of things. You'll also see that, bar a few key events, that my emotional score didn't dip into negative numbers too many times. I did what I could to not drop too low and find ways to bring myself back up into a more positive score as quickly as I could. Staying positive is the key to success.

The higher points are more interesting. The main elements were things like the trips away to France, Wales and the Cotswolds. They also represent some of the the big life events that I was really looking forward to as well. These were the items on my very important life spreadsheet (if you've been following along with previous blogs). The biggest hit was the MRI result. Super emotional too, but it helped me to know that all this pain has been worth it. The chemo is doing its job so I should carry on with this programme of treatment. You'll also see that, bar the MRI result, I haven't returned to my perky +5 self. In truth, that is hard for me to do while gong through this journey. I have a baseline of tiredness that won't shift during chemo and there's still the mental load of what I am putting myself, and people around me through, due to the cancer diagnosis. 

You might be wondering how I am able to get back into positive scores in between the down curves. Some of this was me trying to get on with every day stuff, like contributing with my job and regular social events. There is a lot of me who just wants normal and to forget about my crazy, unfair world of cancer. 

The biggest lifts came from having my friends, family and supporters cheering me on. Please do not doubt in any way the power of cheerleader support, it really does help me. Cheerleader support also came in the delivery of flowers, for which I am well into double figures now, gifts and messages. Thank you again to everyone who has contributed something. Each gesture is super appreciated and really does help to lift me back up into positive points. Feeling that someone has your back and that they are thinking of you really helps. 

Of course, I am still only some months into this long journey. I still have many months ahead of me, but I am still projecting that on Christmas Eve I hope to raise a glass of something fabulously fizzy and say a firm goodbye to this phase of my life with a successful outcome. Of course, I know it won't be the complete end, I will have to take drugs and have regular check ups for years to come but the heavy lifting will be over and I will be able to take back better control of my life again. 

In the meantime, I keep on this emotional curve, this rollercoaster of change, where I take each dip and find the positive to bring me back up again. I want to get back to being me again, the person who's glass is happily half full and constantly being topped up, hopefully with something fabulously fizzy.