14. Cancer Diaries - Milestone complete

Yesterday we headed into the hospital for my last Chemo session, number 16. We arrived to the Oncology suite bearing gifts for the medical team. They consisted of sucky sweets to replenish the jars in the suite for the patients and their visitors to chomp on, just as we had. We also gave a plant for the consultation room and posh Belgium biscuits for the staff to share and dunk in their tea if they so wished. There was  one last present, a framed version of My Life Spreadsheet.

If you have been following along with my previous blogs then you'll understand the importance of the spreadsheet. I presented an original version to my Oncologist the first time we met. The spreadsheet plotted all the important dates and holidays that I had planned from May onwards for the rest of the year. 2022 was a big year for me. It represented the freedom from 2 years of pandemic and in addition, I was turning 50 in September. I wanted to catch up on all the things I had missed in life. My year was planned.  My Oncologist's initial response to me was to throw away the spreadsheet, give up my plans and give into my new Chemo regime. I couldn't do that, it would break me. And so a compromise was made; we worked with my spreadsheet.

The framed spreadsheet had the following words added to it:

This cancer will not define me,

It is an inconvenience to my life.

The treatment will slot into place around my important dates and holidays,

For these are the positive reasons for me to beat this disease.

I wanted the team to remember that for any patient who is diagnosed with Cancer the treatment is both a physical and mental battle. Chemotherapy is brutal and utterly consuming. Physically, it immediately drains all your energy and you have to learn to live with the constant feeling of heavy jet lag. And then there is the long list of possible side effects the drugs provide. I consider myself lucky that, while I had plenty of side effects of my own, they didn't stop my overall day to day. I was never sick, or bed ridden or needed to be rushed to hospital with sepsis. I started a fit and healthy person and it was important to keep as healthy as I could to maintain good blood levels and energy so I could attend and receive each Chemo treatment according to the plan. In fact, it's pretty rare for someone to hit all their dates and the medical team is always prepared for wiggle room to accommodate the patient. Overall, I did very well. 

When people talk about Cancer they mention it in terms of a battle. I'm inclined to agree but the battle is a mental one. Even from the initial informal diagnosis at the breast clinic I didn't want to give Cancer an inch of my time. Remember, it was an important year for me, I had plans! When I had to accommodate  my Chemo regime I put together the initial spreadsheet to see how it would affect my year. This started the negotiation with my medical team, what dates and activities could I keep, what did I need to amend. A few versions of the spreadsheet were created over time as we tweaked the plan - but then, that happens with every good project. 

The spreadsheet represented all the positive and important things I wanted to do in my year. These were the things I didn't want to give up, couldn't give up. 

There were two elements that stuck in my mind:

1. Do Chemo treatment otherwise I could die.

2. Choose life and make sure I still did all the important, positive things as a constant reminder of why I want to keep living and not let Cancer take up any space in brain.

With permission from the medical team we looked at my non-moveable dates and slotted Chemo treatments around them so that I could function as normally as possible while giving Cancer a good whipping. It allowed me to celebrate important birthdays (not just my own), to help run and attend Salesforce conferences and community events, to take some well deserved holiday breaks and be social with my friends and family. There was compromise on my part too. Some of the original holiday plans were either cancelled or tuned down to local breaks and I had to pace myself at all the events and social gatherings to maintain energy levels. 

I think back to my first Chemo session. I was so scared of what lay ahead. No one in their right mind willingly has poison injected into them. It is so counter intuitive. 

The first photo below shows me at my first session, about to be cannulated to receive my cocktail of drugs. I'm already tired, mentally exhausted, and apprehensive of what was to come. 

The second photo shows me in my cooling cap. This was aimed to preserve my hair so that I wouldn't look sick, like a Cancer patient. This was very much a mental crutch for me as I wanted to be in constant denial of the severity of the situation. If I still looked OK, then I would be OK. The cooling cap added at least 1.5 hours of time to each Chemo session, to keep my head cool to stop the poison from affecting my hair. It partially worked. I lost the hair from the top of my scalp but managed to keep it around the back and sides. It meant that when I wore a cap it wasn't totally bald. I had my hair cut again to be super short as I it thinned across the whole of my head and I didn't like feeling messy with constant hair loss over a relatively short period of 2 weeks. 

The third photo is my big reveal. This is me as of my last Chemo session yesterday. My hair has grown back on top and I've had the back and sides cut super short so that I don't look like an 80's reject with a mullet. It's good to have hair again and I will feel happier as it continues to grow. (Sorry BaldForce, I am no longer a membership candidate).

I delayed my 16th and final Chemo session as I wanted to attend the Salesforce conference, Dreamforce, in San Francisco. It was one of the non negotiable events on my spreadsheet that I didn't want to miss. My Oncologist (as known as Mixologist) gave permission for me to travel and delay the treatment by 5 days. He also said that seeing as it was the last one, and that the Chemo had done its job on tackling the tumour that I could miss the final session if needed. I felt a bit conflicted with that information. On one hand, to be let off the last Chemo for good behaviour (or essentially my bloods not being good enough to take the drugs) was a relief as it is not a joyful experience. However, on the other hand, if I didn't do the full complement of sessions and should this cancer ever return, then I would wonder if I didn't do enough to stop it.

And so to my 16th and final Chemo session. I duly followed the routine. Got weighed (I'd put back the few kilos I had managed to loose - thanks to steroids and American breakfasts!) Had my pulse and blood pressure checked - all consistent. It took 4 attempts to cannulate me. My veins had had enough of Chemo treatment and were making a final protest. The medical team finally found a willing vein and took my bloods, the results came back healthy which allowed me to proceed with my final dose of drug cocktail. I sat back in the chair like a good patient.

We have watched a film during each Chemo session to pass the time and distract from what is happening. We have gone through the Oceans series, Shaun of the Dead, the Bourne series, the Daniel Craig Bond series and yesterday we finished with TopGun Maverick. It felt a fitting film for the last session.. 

All drugs finally in, and the time with my cooling cap completed, I was free to leave the Oncology suite. Chemo completed. Milestone complete. As I prepared to leave the team gave me a gift to celebrate and a hug. There is no bell to ring there and that's OK. It was an emotional ending. Both my partner Piers and I cried and hugged by the lift. These past 5 months have been overwhelming for us both and now this phase is finally over. 

Undertaking Chemotherapy is a mental battle. Staying positive throughout is the most important thing to overcome the utter awfulness that your body goes through. A person cannot do this alone. It takes a village (to coin a phrase) and I have been so lucky to have amazing people around me to help me through this.

Firstly, my partner Piers who attended every Chemo session and sat by my side, even if he did get a bit too interested on how to cannulate me. I think he thought he was going to be allowed a go, but thankfully not. He's been by my side throughout, making sure I ate well and kept my energy levels up, dragged me out for walks and kept my spirits up. 

There's my family who regularly checked in with me to hear about my progress and decided they would take the mantle of worrying about the situation. My friends kept me sane by sending me regular life updates, silly posts on socials and having normal conversations and not treating like a special Cancer patient. And then there were the wider Community members who showed their support  and asked after me. 

I'm grateful to my work for giving me the space from daily project activities so I could be free from stress and concentrate on looking after myself. Finally trying to put myself first for a change. 

And I so thankful to the medical team at the Oncology suite who took such good care of me and Piers. I was so terrified of the prospect of Chemo at my first session and they calmly walked me through the process. The subsequent sessions were easier and I was able to have good humour with the team, often filling the suite with my laughter before falling asleep due to the drug cocktail. They are truly special people who do this type of work and it was very emotional to be leaving their support. Although, I have their number and can contact them should I need anything. 

I'm so thankful to everyone who got in touch, sent flowers, gifts and donations. I really appreciate everyone who read these blogs and who commented. There were many who I spent time with who wanted to listen to me talk about the subject of cancer. We are all affected by cancer, sadly we all have a story to tell and I know that sharing mine has helped others. 

Remember, this is only this phase completed. This journey is not yet done and there is more to come. I will now take a few weeks off to allow my body to recover from the Chemo treatment before the next phase of surgery begins and after that radiotherapy. The blogs will keep coming, there is more to share. 

Thank you for being with me for this part of the journey. Milestone complete.