18. Cancer Diaries - Crisis Management

In projects, sometimes things blow up and go past a safe level of mitigation and escalates into crisis management. What that exactly is will always depend on each project and the propensity of risk that the sponsors are willing to take. 

In terms of story telling, and especially the Ted Talk: Hero Journey by Matthew Winkler, (thanks Francis Pindar for sharing), then a crisis point will hit the Hero. This is the lowest part of their story, something they must overcome before they can rebuild and come back out fighting in order to win the day. 

Why I am bothering to tell you this? Well, this is where I am at, and how I am feeling right now. I'll explain. 

Last Friday I had to go back into hospital for more surgery. Active cancer cells were found in one of the lymph nodes that were removed from the previous procedure and medical protocol stated that a full clearance of lymph nodes was needed to be done to stop any future spread. 

The positive spin from all this is that, the cells were found and could be acted on quickly, and this will give me a robust future. I get that. 

The darker side of my brain leans on the fact that I'm no longer on the happy path, that more surgery was required and is more impactful procedure. 

My cancer medical team are fabulous and I am very lucky. They were there as support on the day of the operation, knowing that I really didn't want to be going back into surgery. While I waited to be called down to theatre I chatted with my specialist Cancer Nurse and we got onto the subject of exercise and bootcamps. Next minute we are having a 'Burpee-off' in my room, me dressed in my surgical gown, stockings and anti-slip socks. What could possibly go wrong?

Surgery time came and I wandered down to theatre. It took 3 attempts to put the cannula into my vein. My arm has really had enough of being jabbed with needles and Chemo really did wreck havoc on my whole body. But, finally we got there and under I went. I remember just before passing out talking about building a CRM system for the hospital. Busman's holiday and all that...

Surgery completed and gone well I was tucked back into my room for the evening but this time I had a new pet to look after, my drain. 

I'm not going to show too much medical stuff here, I don't like looking at it so I'm not going to force you onto it, but I'll describe it instead. 

Imagine having a water bottle attached to a tube, that is attached to a valve, that is attached to a thinner tube where other end is inserted directly into the side of your body, by your ribs and held in place with a stitch. Then imagine bodily fluid dripping out of said tube and draining into the bottle. The liquid was bloody at first but now runs quite clear. In all, the liquid in the bottle is quite reddy/pink in colour. All I can say is that I will never look at raspberry coulis quite the same again. I've put the bottle into a Selfridges bag for 2 reasons; firstly to hide the contents from view and secondly, for it to be easily noticed so that it isn't knocked over, because the other end is connected to me and it will hurt. 

Back to the crisis point of the story and it's all about this bloody drain. I stayed 3 nights in hospital to allow for initial recovery from the surgery and to get acclimatised to my new pet. I needed to learn how to live with a bottle attached to me, with just over 1 metres worth of tubing. While in bed or a chair the bottle lives on the floor so that gravity can allow for the fluid to drain out of me. If I want to move anywhere then I have to consider how much space I can manage before I am restricted. That's about one step in any direction, after that I have to pick up the bottle and carry it to the next location. I'm now a one handed wonder with all tasks as the other, the weak, injured arm, now has to carry the drain.

I'm so frustrated by the drain. It's utterly constricting and it's really got to me. If I could throw both my arms around then I would seriously consider having a full-on toddler temper tantrum. 

I've managed a couple of short walks outside, but even that comes with such planning. I have a bag to put my drain into which I can carry on my shoulder, over my coat, but I do feel very conscious of what I'm carrying and if anyone looked closely enough they may wonder about the tube that drops from under my coat and up into the bag. 

The drain is doing its job. It's collecting the fluid coming out of my body. I've already amassed a pint's worth of raspberry coulis and the bottle is getting quite full and heavy. Imagine carrying a pint around all day and not drinking it. It's exhausting. 

At midday everyday I get my Sharpie out and place a mark on the bottle to track how much fluid is dripping out over a 24 hour period. I'd been draining about 100ml per day but it is finally slowing to 50ml over the past 24 hours. As soon as it drops to 20-30ml per 24 hours I can then have the drain removed and let my body manage itself again. 

My Cancer Nurse called me yesterday for a check-in. I growled at her about my continued distaste over the drain and how trapped it made me feel. She empathised and mentioned that I was 'her little growler'. At that moment I may have giggled and suggested that the phrase might not be best appropriate. She immediately realised her error and apologised profusely. Too late, comedy gold had been delivered. Please note that my Cancer Nurse is very professional, supportive and just the tonic a patient needs. 

But this drain is draining. I'm fed up with it. It's a physical symbol of sickness and I am the perfect bad patient. I want this over and I want this out. I want freedom and the chance to properly heal and to move on and feel better, healthier. Right now, I feel uncomfortable with tubing and bandaging. It affects my waking hours and my sleep. I'm chomping on pain killers for the discomfort. I'm not great company right now and I'm miserable with the world. Even through the Chemo phase I wasn't this grumpy. I know its all temporary and I know that as soon as the drain is removed my mood will improve. And, I do confess, writing this now is helping with my demons.

I'm back to see my surgeon and Cancer nurse tomorrow for a wound check-up. At the same time they will replace my drain bottle as this one is nearly full, and heavy. Hopefully we can plan on when the drain will be completely removed and what the next steps will be. I'm literally counting down the days, or actually - counting down the millilitres. 

In the meantime I'm working my way through a large box of Maltesers and Netflix and feeling very sorry for myself. 

The saga continues...